Tuchel's Asterisk

Gareth Southgate is gone. At last he is gone. Soon to wash up at Manchester United, no doubt. Where he will most probably be exposed as the sub-standard manager that we all think he is.

As a Scot, I am very happy that he’s gone. Of course, he isn’t a great manager. Or at least he doesn’t seem to be. Nevertheless he has frayed more Scottish nerves than any other England manager of the past 50 years. His time in charge has been quite terrible really. Okay they haven’t actually won anything. But they have come close. And how can we enjoy a football tournament with the English in the final? Or Semi-final? It’s no fun. It’s not funny. I know, in the end, they messed it up, but the last 6 years have been too close for comfort.

And really I feel quite relaxed about their new appointment. Tuchel doesn’t scare me. In fact, I’m fairly sure that normal service will be resumed. I’m no expert on Herr Tuchel, but how can anyone replicate Southgate’s uniquely English combination of dull, humourless defensive tedium. The sporting equivalent of cottage Pie.

Like I say, I don’t know much about Tuchel. Does anybody? He seems fairly bland himself. Not in the same league as Southgate, of course, but he is no Brian Clough. He’s no Mourinho.

He won a cup with Chelsea, had the bottle to squeeze Conte’s hand really hard in front of 50,000 people and managed to not win the Bundesliga with Bayern Munich. I did once see a youtube video where he was on some kind of spiritual retreat, recharging his batteries,  and I have to confess, I found him rather likeable. Not to be confused with charismatic, but certainly likeable.

I would also say he seems rather thoughtful for a football manager. I wonder where ‘thoughtfulness’ ranks on the list of necessary qualities for an English football manager in the eyes of the Three Lions supporters.

Early questions are being asked as to whether it’s suitable for a German to be managing the English national football team. Herr Tuchel feels that his stint as Chelsea manager has prepared him for the task.

Interesting. In some respects Chelsea is the least English of all English clubs, although admittedly, in other respects, it could be the most English. His particular trophy winning team had 2 Englishmen in it, so I suppose he does have some experience. And the English are not a complex bunch. Once you’ve come across a full-back and central midfielder, you’ve pretty much seen everything they have to offer as a nation. The journalists are asking if he'll sing the national anthem. So far nobody’s asking if he’ll hum along to the ‘Great Escape’ tune.  That’s a tunnel I’d like to see him dig himself out of.

Not that I want to get to political. As a Scot, I’m free to dismiss the English and their supporters, but I find it rather sad, that these days the English are encouraged to dislike their own supporters quite so passionately. That is our job. Such sneering is cultural appropriation on your part, Guardian readers!

Of course, this isn’t politics. And although he looks the part, Tuchel isn’t some technocrat from Brussels telling the English how many fish they can catch. He isn’t, is he? He’s just a football manager.

And so to the asterisk. Journalists, pundits and experts are already discussing whether there will be an asterisk next to England’s name when they win the next world cup. Lol. Big Lols! Of course there is an asterisk over their last one when the ball didn’t cross the line in the world cup final against the Germans, but they don’t like to talk about that.

Already, in their uniquely English way, they are assuming, that their so-called golden generation will walk their way to the trophy with Herr Tuchel at the helm, but I’m not so sure. Perhaps these pundits know something about Declan Rice’s ‘touch’ that I don’t, but I’d say they are still at least one Billy Gilmour  and one Andy Robertson short of a trophy winning team.

In Scotland, we had our own German manager and it’s safe to say the experiment was not a roaring success. World cup winning coach Berti Vogts received very little appreciation from the Scottish people and he had World Cup winners medals in his back pocket. Oh yes, and the Scots, unlike their English neighbours, are such a welcoming, foreigner-friendly nation. Or so the story goes.

For the moment, the English are restraining themselves, shouting down anybody who questions this exciting appointment. His first match as a manager will be in March, but I find it hard to believe that they’ll wait that long to show their true colours. Perhaps Tuchel will jump ship and get a better job before March, or be ousted unceremoniously after some ill-advised sausage-related gaffe. The headline ‘KrOUT’ is already written.

Whatever happens, The Scottish fans will be enjoying the show. The Southgate nightmare is over at last. For the next little while, watching the English play football will be like watching a classic episode of Fawlty Towers. Chaotic, politically incorrect and disastrous!

I’m just glad they didn’t get the crazy Catalan waiter as their next boss. That could have been dangerous.